Life Updates: Crushing the Forced Fairytale

Hey y'all! Welcome to each of our Rustic Dove goddesses and to you new followers as well..so happy you've stumbled upon us! Last year I had the idea to start a blog as part of The Rustic Dove, and here I am finally feeling like it's time to kick it off. I'll be sharing about my journey back to myself..my inner goddess and all the twists and turns in life! Starting off with my first post today..some major life updates…the big elephants in the room ...finally reaching a place where I'm ready to share with y'all. This was meant to post yesterday but didn't happen so a day late it is!

Yesterday marked 14 years ago I married my first love. Yet we were not celebrating our anniversary in the normal sense, but rather we continue to process the grief, pain, bittersweet relief, joy and healing after our nearly 20 years together was finalized with divorce in 2023. Surprise. Life has shifted drastically in the last few years. The curtain has dropped. Reality is present. Pain is inevitable. Joy abounds. Life continues ✨

Almost half my life spent with my first love makes this all the more difficult. From a high school crush I chased, turned into my hidden boyfriend to then forcing a marriage out of religious guilt. I then pushed to build a family that looked as picture perfect as I could make it look from the outside view. Yet it was far from a fairytale. Life has been one massive whirlwind filled with love, pain, insanity, fear, trauma, despair, heartache, joy, miracles, shame, grief and wtf’s. Our story was no doubt pretty wild..for those who know bits and pieces, you all looked from the outside in thinking what are y’all doing? Ha. Trust me I felt and thought it more than anyone else. It had many amazing parts, including love and joy that I will not minimize either. Yet unhealed trauma sends one down a path with deep tunnel vision…forcing things in survival mode, thinking it was the only way to make life work. Throw in my religious trauma saying I don’t deserve anything else so I’ll have to force this to become my happily ever after …given all my “sins.” Side note: I do not consider any of my past to be sins. But rather life happening, learning, growth and 2 young hurting kids growing up after childhood trauma wrecked havocs on our bodies and minds. We both did the best we could with what we had at that time. And then I did more once I realized.....

I never want to hurt anyone thru sharing my story, and also my story is simply that, my story. I understand that pain causes humans to do many things we aren’t proud of, and we even often mean good intent..yet we still hurt others in the process. Trauma in nature inflicts wounds.

In 2021 I began to really come to grips with the fact that I endured trauma in my childhood and started working on that healing. I had been in therapy and Al Anon for 8+ years working on my healing, but at this time felt I wasn’t making any further progress and remained unhappy in my marriage. I felt the kids were suffering as well. We had discussed divorce many times over the years, yet neither of us could ever follow thru with the pain of detaching from each other…we had a strong attachment built at such a young age when both coming from traumatic childhoods. Both finding a sense of relief and security together after years of not having that security in childhood. Ultimately though it was a rollercoaster, and I can now say there was lots of emotional and verbal abuse. Coming from families where this was normal..we knew nothing else. It was also normal from my growing up experience to keep things private and just make things look good from the outside. Though all the while being miserable on the inside. Add on 3 kids and I felt an obligation to make it “work for the kids.” And goodness did I try…at the expense of myself, him and our kids. Ultimately I did some extensive trauma work (that continues today) and gained the capacity to finally follow thru on what I knew was best for all of us by filing for divorce. Just before Thanksgiving 2022...knowing that no time is ever a good time...but it was necessary. This is one of the most difficult decisions any person can make and then such a difficult thing to walk thru. It got a bit messy to say the least and yet we made it out the other side. The kids have their pain and struggles, while also thriving immensely. I can see their emotional freedom growing each day. Life is not what we expected, and yet we make life into what we choose.

I’m now a single mom to my 3 amazing kids full time, which are 4, 8, and 10. Something I never expected when I started down this divorce path. If you've wondered why I'm less active, more sporadic and an even hotter mess...this is WHY lol. It's a HUGE thing to balance. Along with all the pain, therapy, etc. But I can say now that I'm grateful for where I am now vs one year ago. We carry our pain and continue to love deeply. The connection between the 4 of us has been so neat to watch grow thru every high and low. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, yet I am grateful for the capacity to finally do what was best and get out of a stuck situation that was not healthy for any of us. Goddesses we can do hard things. But not alone. I did this with a few special women in my tribe supporting me, carrying me, holding me, and guiding me along the way. On the days I thought I wouldn't make it...somehow I did. Feel free to reachout to me if you're walking this path yourself. You're not alone. A big thank you for receiving this difficult share in such a loving and kind space. It wasn't easy getting to this place to share, but it's a real FREEDOM to finally start exposing the inner goddess in myself. Please keep your comments loving and without judgment.

Thank you for following me here at Rustic Dove and stay tuned for more posts as I continue to share about our journey ✨💖🫶🏼 make sure to subscribe so you're notified of any new posts, along with joining our email list to receive email updates and offerings as well if you're interested.